I love me. I love me not. I love me. Lessons in Self Compassion
I remember plucking daisy petals as a young girl, playing the game of asking a daisy if “they” (the object of my affection) would return their affection back to me . “He/she loves me, he/she loves me not” hoping it would come out right and in my favor; the last petal standing held my fate. I would try to manipulate the petal plucking so I would end up being loved back…. Who doesn’t want to be loved? Right? The object of my affection was not always a romantic interest, but rather sometimes a friend or a group of peers, someone in the family system. The phrase “loves me” could often be replaced with “likes me or “accepts me”. I don’t remember who taught me this game and when I began to play it, but I can still remember plucking daisies to learn my fate.
Apparently, this ritual of finding out if they love us or they love us not by petal plucking originated in France in the 1800’s and was known as Effeuiller la Marguerite. The marguerite, also known as the Paris daisy or marguerite daisy symbolizes innocence, purity and love and is often associated with the genesis of a deep affection. As a young person playing this game, I never considered what it might feel like to begin a deep affection for/with MYSELF. Despite being a bit disappointed in my younger self for lacking environmental awareness and stewardship by ripping apart perfectly intact flowers, I can also appreciate how I have shifted my perspectives about love of self and others.
Although at times I still seek external prompts and feedback for a sense of being loved or admired, or “enough”, I have become more aware of my innate, ever-present goodness and wholeness, regardless of what others may or may not say to support me. For me, living and embodying the 8 limbs of yoga has been my anchor and my life raft as I navigate the sometimes rough and challenging waters of self -love. Loving Kindness and Self Compassion meditation have opened my heart to the opportunities in every moment of every day to regard myself with affection. Practicing Self-compassion can bring me back to a softer, more open, forgiving stance towards myself. This self-compassion then ripples out towards others. When I remember the practices of self-compassion, I am better able to shift my patterns of self -beat and redirect my critical inner dialogue.
I notice that an attitude of self -acceptance is difficult when I am not well-rested. When I am tired I can sometimes compare myself to external definitions of “success” or “enough-ness” and I usually find I am not measuring up. It is then that I’ve learned to place a hand or two on my heart, find my breath and affectionately remind myself that I am willing to be my own friend. I notice my beauty and strengths in spite of those negative messages telling a different, less than accurate story that features only my faults as the main character. I’ve learned to notice where in my body the story of not being enough, or being “bad” or being a failure lives. Then I breathe into that part of my body to soften the tightness and contraction of this space. I send forgiveness and an open expansive space here to allow grace to enter. I will often tell myself affectionately: “my dear sweet Cat, you are doing your best right now” or “darling Cat you can grow from this and become stronger, or you can stay stuck in this cycle of being mean to yourself. What do you choose?” I have learned to give myself permission to be kind to myself.
I imagine my beloved community, friends and family and what they might say to me when I forget to be kind to myself. I would listen to them. I would believe them when they remind me of my goodness. And I would speak to them the same way, offering them support and reasons to be forgiving of themselves. The idea of shared humanity and understanding that we are not alone and that we do not suffer alone is another beautiful and comforting aspect of self-compassion.
My first teacher in learning about the concept of Loving Kindness or Metta Meditation (befriending ourselves) was Sharon Salzberg. I read her books and went to her in person meditations and talks and retreats and after awhile the concept of being friends with myself began to kick in.
Kristen Neff is another teacher who has helped me to expand my understanding of and practice of Self-Compassion meditation by helping me to feel less alone when I struggle the with the concept of shared humanity I mentioned above. I have included their websites here and below for you to investigate and hopefully practice some free guided meditations or listen to their podcasts.
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